Friday, May 24, 2013

A Pitch for TLC (Or Whoever Else is into Crappy Reality Programming)

I frequently find myself indulging in this highly specific fantasy where I have my own reality TV show. I can't trace the source of this, but it crops up often enough that maybe I should tell someone about it? That someone is the internet, luckily.

For a reason that should be obvious, this show is titled "Failure" or "Millennial" or a combination of both of those words. Generation Fail. That rolls off the tongue nicely, right? We follow traditional, and often times gritty, reality TV tropes. We have confessional booth time for one-on-one character development, shots of what my day is like, and maybe Paula Cole does the song over the end titles. Also, its been a while since I've watched reality TV.

I just lay there and think about this until I realize exactly what I'm doing. Which is nothing. Which is what most of my days look like. But I feel like I can run with this as a concept! What is one of the best selling games for women (arguably the number one consumer of reality television)? The SIMs. And what happens in the SIMs? NOTHING. Nothing ever happens and its amazing! I SHOULD KNOW. You watch people go poop and take showers and make breakfast and go to work and get random phone calls at inconvenient hours of the day. Its exactly the same thing that happens to you during most of your waking hours and yet for some reason watching this little doll house world makes it fascinating. So why wouldn't my reality show, in which I do the things I normally do, not be a success?

Follow me on a visual journey:

Its nine in the morning when I roll over and turn on my phone. About forty minutes later I wake up again and check my email. At noon I wake up a third time and flail around till I find my iPod. This can be smashcut with me talking about my mornings, my motivation in life, and how I'm trying really hard to eat less during the day because I can't afford to go grocery shopping. Back to the action, I have moved to the top of my comforter and I am now watching this random Japanese drama I found online. As we pan to the screen we see that a particularly tense moment is happening and these two butlers are about to duel and a Spanish guitar starts up (you seriously have to watch this show, its balls crazy). I mime the guitar in my excitement.

How does this not sell itself? I'm super relatable to a disproportionately high number of twenty-somethings. It's like my life can serve as a warning to everyone who's in college right now. Look at where devoting all your time to academics gets you! All those internships! All that money you saved up! Its all going here!

Frankly, I don't see how this can't be golden. TLC loves following hot messes around.


How is me, filling out applications for a few hours each day and then casually watching Vampire Prosecutor any less enthralling than that? Network television please send your over sized bags of money straight to me.

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